I am going to commit my instructions about how my funeral should be conducted on this website, so that everybody will know my preferences and deal with them in the appropriate fashion.
Too often we hear that this person or that has died and the family have cremated them, unaware of their personal burial preferences.
Well, I think it is nonsensical to go through life without making certain pieces of information known, and one's funeral should be carried out according to the instructions of the deceased whenever possible, surely.
I do not want to be cremated, thank you very much. Some people hold cremation as the cleanest, most final method for disposal of human remains but I would prefer my remains to remain remains, rather than resemble the contents of a well used ashtray.
I should like a coffin crafted from light colored wood. I always think those oak effect things with gilded plastic handles rather depressing, as if one doesn't have enough to be gloomy about on such an occasion. My friend Solange's kitchen cabinets are made out of similar wood, so if in doubt my surviving relatives could nip over to borrow the front of her utility drawer, then use it as a color reference. Please ensure the bottom of my casket is well secured, by the way. I cannot imagine anything more embarrassing than falling out of the bottom of one's coffin on the way to the grave.
I would like to go to my final resting place in a car rather than a horse drawn carriage. Carriages look undeniably chic but a little Dickensian and anyway certain horsey accidents can impair the dignity of a solemn occasion.
A nice, clean, modern chapel would be my choice, not one of those dusty, chilly stone built monstrosities that look like a film set for Bride of Dracula.
I do not require armies of mourners but I would like a good show of flowers. Some people elect to do away with flowers in lieu of charitable donations but I tend to think that at one's funeral one can be forgiven for being a little selfish. After all one is unlikely to receive flowers at any subsequent occasion.
Plenty of music should be played and some nice hymns, appropriate to the way I lived my life, should be sung preferably in tune and accompanied by a competent organist, not someone borrowed from the British Legion at short notice. The service should be short and meaningful rather than a long drawn out affair which leaves everybody with a numb bottom. Readings should be conducted in a respectful yet humorous fashion so everybody can have a giggle at my travels, my art, my writings and the number of husbands I managed to see off.
The buffet should be simple but tasteful and delicious and only my dearest friends should be invited. I loathe those funeral repasts where stale sausage rolls are handed around to half a dozen miserable looking distant relatives who look as though they need a good dose of Prozac.
Nice spicy chicken drumsticks are what the doctor ordered, and vol au vents stuffed with delicious mushrooms in champagne, smoked salmon by the plateful served with a side helping of caviar and lemon wedges, and a soft, white iced sponge topped with cream, all washed down with several large glasses of Bollinger. Chilled white chocolate truffles to follow and copious quantities of cognac with coffee.
Damn it, I wish I wasn't going to miss it. I might have it the week before, then I can join in.
0 comments:
Post a Comment